Creativity? WHAT Creativity?

We don't yet have the "major depressive disorder" under control.  We're playing around with medication.

One of the BIG problems with depression is that my creativity seems to have mostly vanished, along with my interest in my hobbies and most of my energy.  Hence, the lack of blogging.

No worries, we get the brain chemistry sorted out, I'll be back.

So, I'd wanted to post an update, and probably should have done so before now, but I was afraid it would sound all whiny and complain-y.

And I didn't want to do that.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  A loving family, a roof over my head, plenty to eat.  My physical health is good, God loves me, my sins are forgiven.  There are LOTS of people much worse off than I am.  A few things are difficult right now, so what, no big deal, right?

So, please don't hear me complaining.  But keeping up with my blogging is, just being honest, a little tough right now.  I'll make more of an effort to keep it up.

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless.

New Posts Will Return!

Taking a few days off of the regular posting schedule, friends.

New posts will return!

Side Effects! Whee!

New medication for depression.

I've gotten, I think, every side effect on the list.

Thankfully, not all at once.

First two days:  Headache and nausea.  Dry mouth.
Third day:  No headache.  No dry mouth.  Nausea, dizziness.  Nervous energy in the mornings.  Shakes and stammers.  Excessive sweating.
Fourth day:  Very light nausea, no dizziness.  HUGE problem with nervous energy.  Couldn't sit still, concentrate, hold my hands steady or speak without stammering for a couple of hours in the morning.
Crashed out in the afternoon.  Couldn't stay awake.  Excessive sweating.
Fifth day:  Nervous energy about the same, no nausea.  Crashed out in the afternoon.  Still sweating, yay!
Sixth day:  Nervous energy still noticeable, but seems to be tapering off.  No headaches, nausea, or dizziness.  Sweating seems to be not so bad.
Seventh day: Nervous energy excessive in the morning.  Other side effects seem to be diminished.
Eight day:  Side effects very light.  A little edgy and nervous for awhile in the morning, but that's been about it.

Sleeping--haven't slept well in weeks.  Third night after taking the medicine, best night's sleep I've had in a long time.  Otherwise, fitful sleep and strange dreams.

On the depression front itself, actually feeling better.  I wake up apathetic and with feelings of extreme sadness and pessimism, make myself get out of bed and take my medicine.  I start to feel better within about twenty minutes and am pretty up for most of the day.  I can feel it wearing off in the evenings.  Bizarre--I can actually feel my brain gearing down.

I'll keep you posted.  The side effects seem to be winding down as my body gets accustomed to it, which the doctor said would likely happen.  He said it'd be a solid week to ten days before I really started to feel better, and it's only been six days and I'm noticing improvement already, so that's very encouraging.

Adventures in pharmacy.  Yay!

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless.

It's Official. I'm Depressed.

Okay, the doctor has confirmed it.  I'm depressed.  (He was prepared to give a lot of credit to Adored Wife's diagnosis, but I checked a lot more boxes than that.)

Let me just throw this out to get it out of the way.  I am NOT, emphatically NOT, suicidal.  It's not even on the table, haven't even considered it.

I'm going on maintenance medication for the depression, maybe for a short term, maybe for the rest of my life.  No shame in that--it's an imbalance in my brain, not something wrong with my personality or character. The fine tuning needed to find the most effective prescription combination is expected to be a bit of a pain, but that goes with the territory.

I'm actually a little relieved.  It's nice to have something concrete I can blame the bad mood on.  And Adored Wife is VERY relieved, because she's hoping I'll start acting more like myself soon.

The doctor was pleasantly surprised that a Christian and a minister would be so open about admitting to depression, and there is still a lingering societal stigma, but maybe I can do something to help change all that.  I've never been all that covert about the depressive episodes I've had, and, yes, you do run across a few people who think being depressed means that your prayer life needs to be more active.  But they're in the minority.

So, new stage in the journey.  I'll keep you posted.

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless.

Where I Was on 9/11

For some reason I'm mindful that today is the sixteenth anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, in addition to a third intended attack on an unknown target that was foiled by courageous and quick-thinking heroes in an airplane.

I don't tend to make much of these anniversaries. We live in a sin-stained world, it's going to get worse before it gets better, but we do have the hope of Heaven to look forward to, and the presence of Christ to sustain us in the midst of this "valley of death."  Our job is to love God, be good to one another, and spread joy, peace, and truth where we can.  Not too much point dwelling on the bad stuff.  Fix what we can, and don't let the rest of it defeat us, you know what I'm saying?

But today, it's on my mind.

I was pastoring a small church in West Virginia sixteen years ago.  We had a (completely unrelated) power outage in the village, and I was walking to the post office when a neighbor came out and told me there had been attacks.  The phones worked and word was getting around that way; lots of people in the neighborhood were going and sitting in their car with the radios on--kind of an odd sight.

I wasn't much of a television watcher, then or now, but that evening, after the power was back on, my family and I spent a few hours watching the news of the day.

How did I feel about it?  There was no personal tragedy.  I don't have any stories to tell of friends or family who were caught in the attack, although I knew people who knew people who knew people--that sort of thing.  But, yes, the world did look a little different the next day.

If you or someone you know was directly affected by those horrible attacks sixteen years ago, my condolences and sympathies.  History will eventually work its healing magic on it, as it has on so many tragedies and evils that have befallen the human race.  But it's still something to never forget.

But there is coming a day when all the aches and heartbreaks of this world will be literally meaningless, their power to hurt us forever quashed, when every tear will be wiped away.

Looking forward to that time.

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless,

Depression Revisited

Okay, well, this is something new, and I don't think I like it.  But it looks like I'm going to have to accept it.

I commented a couple of posts ago that I was wondering if I was in a depressive episode.  I'm not. My "episodes of clinical depression" have definite symptoms and certain very specific tell-tale signs.  Feelings of despondency, lethargy, apathy, and pointlessness, tremendous lack of creativity and initiative, no interest in usual pursuits or pleasures, waking up early and being unable to go back to sleep, somatic preoccupation (means "fiddling with things for no reason"), eating patterns change, unable to be cheered up.

That's what a depressive episode looks like.  It's pretty bad.  I get them about every year and a half, and they last for between two and three weeks typically.  The last one was in May of  of 2016 and it was moderately severe.  I'm due for one around November.  Not looking forward to it.

However......

I've been "down" for the last couple of weeks.  Definitely not a depressive episode.  Generally pretty functional, without the indicators that let me know that "yes, I'm depressed."  I've just been in a bad mood, and I've attributed it to the external stressors of which I have my fair share.

But Adored Wife informed me the other night that I was, indeed, depressed.  And when people who live with you tell you there's an issue, you ALWAYS listen, because they often know better than you do.

So, yes, I'm depressed.  And this is new, because ongoing depression is NOT something I struggle with.  I take St. John's Wort daily (it's an herbal supplement with clinically proven effectiveness in treating mild depression) just as a preventative and it's always been pretty effective.  I've increased the dosage significantly, and I'm feeling much better.

But this means that I've entered a new stage in dealing with depression.  I really need to talk to a doctor about it, because it does tend to get worse with age, I have a family history of it, and if my baseline is to be mildly depressed, a full-blown depressive episode could be.....um.....bad.

It's entirely possible that I'll wind up going on some kind of prescription for it.  There's no shame in that--it's a neurochemical imbalance; it doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

But it's something new.  And I don't like it.  But I'll learn to live with it.

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless.

Getting Back on Stage

I act in plays very rarely (although I typically spend a couple of hours on Saturday mornings helping to build sets.)  Being involved in a play, whether directing or acting or stage managing, is a time-consuming hobby, with several weeks of rehearsals taking up three to four hours a night, four or five nights a week.

Adored Wife supported and even encouraged my current involvement, largely because we felt Social Hurricane needed some outlet for her energy and she's also involved in the play, working backstage and some other odds and ends.  So I'm also spending quite a lot of time with my daughter, which goes a long way toward making me feel better about the time involved.

But, in fairness, doing this is going to consume most of my life for the next two months--it's a big commitment.  Most of my creative pursuits are going to have to go on the back burner; I only have so much discretionary time, and I still have work responsibilities, household tasks, and a son, wife, and aging parents to keep up with.  I won't be working on my semi-budding authorial career until we wrap this show up.

I do know a man who, I kid you not, is typically involved with three or four shows  (and sometimes five) shows a year.  I don't know how he does it--I don't think he has a life.  This is my second play this year, and that's an awful lot by my standards.  I may take next year off entirely from acting (that's been known to happen, too.)

I'll keep you posted.

Hope all's well out there, friends, and God bless.